Some people might prefer to write in play form, with stage directions etc; so here we go. That Cow from the Delicatessen by, Jonathan Malory. In sparsely furnished living room, Richard, Christine and Jonathan are close friends and housemates. Richard and Christine are having an altercation, Jonathan is standing in the living-room doorway to the hall. Christine: Who were you with? Richard: Oh just some friends. Christine: What friends. You haven’t got any friends. Richard plops onto the sofa as if he has been here too many times before. Richard: Yes I have. Lots. Christine sneers mockingly. Christine: You never bring any here. Richard implores with hands out. Richard: Yes I do. Jonathan laughs, also mocking slightly. Jonathan: You mean that cow from the delicatessen? Richard’s mind wanders and we see an attractive woman chopping meat with a huge cleaver at a deli counter, blood stains her apron and her pretty face and hair. Richard sighs the sigh of love. Christine: I’m in love. Richard and Jonathan have a shocked expression- looking from Christine’s perspective. Richard/Jonathan: What! Christine: Yeah, I’m in love. Jonathan can’t believe it and steps a little closer into the room, sunbeams obscure Richard’s face from Jonathan’s view. Jonathan: Who the hell with? Richard crosses his arms and legs; sunbeams obscure Jonathan’s face from Richard’s view. Richard: Come on, spill the beans. Christine puts hands on hips and leans towards Richard defiantly. Christine: That’s for me to know and you to find out. Yet again Richard is flabbergasted at the shallowness of Christine’s personality. Richard: So why all the fuss about who I was with last night? Jonathan steps through the sunlight and almost turns his back on Christine to face Richard. Jonathan: That’s a point, where were you last night? You didn’t turn up. Richard grits his teeth, he’s had enough of the pair of them. Richard: Jon… Christine: He’s such a sweet man, understands everything about me; like he’s known me for years. Richard ignores Christine completely. Richard: So who did come out last night then, was Dave there? Never one to be distracted, Jonathan sits down on the opposite end of the sofa to Richard. Jonathan: So have you got a thing going with that woman from the Deli or what? Christine: In his dreams! Richard goes into a wistful pose again and we see the behind of the beautifully shaped woman from the delicatessen, dragging a frozen pig across a misted walk-in freezer attached to a hook and runners along the ceiling. Richard is grinning like a fool. Christine: No one cares about my love li… Christine’s voice is drowned out by the sound of a large vehicle reversing outside the back window. Vehicle: STAND WELL BACK, VEHICLE REVERSING; Stand Well Back, Vehicle Reversing; stand well back, vehicle reversing. Jonathan: She hasn’t got a clue, have you actually spoken to her yet? Richard: Of course I’ve spoken to her, what kind of man do you think I am? Richard leaps straight up into the air from the shock of the cat landing on the armrest next to him, the cat looks nonchalantly at some magpies flapping about in the backyard birdbath. Richard: Stupid thing, why doesn’t it ever do that to anyone else? Christine: I’ve been seeing him every day for the last two weeks now, I tell him all my problems. Jonathan slides along the sofa to where Richard was sat and strokes the cat. Richard flops down where Jonathan was sat. Jonathan: Did you scare poor scaredy-waredy-wichard again, here we go. Jonathan feeds the cat a chocolate cat treat. Richard: Very funny Jonathan, you’d really like us to believe that you’ve trained the cat to do stuff like that. Christine: He said I’ve got a nice smile. Richard: Did he mention your arse? Christine puffs out of the room into the kitchen, but not too far to carry on talking. She clicks on the kettle. Christine: He is far too sophisticated for that. Jonathan: Oh yeah? What does he look like? Christine: Would anyone like a cup of tea? Jonathan: Yeah why not? So? Christine: What does it matter what he looks like? You can tell he has a soul that runs long and deep like the Danube, flowing into the timeless depths of the Black Sea. Richard and Jonathan snigger together, the cat jumps down and saunters into the kitchen. Christine: Actually that’s what he said about me. He says things that you two Philistines wouldn’t even dream of. Richard: Ooo Philistines, hark at her. Jonathan: Philistines my arse, bet you don’t even know where that term comes from. Jonathan sits back and folds his arms feeling rather smug and pleased with himself. Richard doesn’t even know what the modern sense of the word Philistines means. Richard: Well come on then little miss know-it-all, do you know what it means? Christine: It meeeeans, idiots like you two that don’t appreciate the finer things in life like art and literature. Richard: If you must know I have a poster of a melting clock by De Vinci on my bedroom wall and I read Tess of the Baskervilles on that access course I did. Jonathan: The poster is a copy of a painting by Dali and it’s the Hound of the Baskervilles you idiot. Richard is once against lost in the realm of the fairies after mistaking Dali for Deli… deli… deli… deli … for some bizarre reason ‘Clouds Across the Moon’ by the Rah Band is playing in time with the slinky deli temptress squeezing minced pig bits into sausage shapes with one hand and turning a handle with the other. The neighbours dog barks extremely loudly and Richard flies out of his chair once more with the Hound of the Baskervilles’ bark rattling around inside his head as the music fades. Richard: Are you sure about that? She was a pretty girl by all accounts, I certainly wouldn’t call her a hound. Not in the version with Kate Winslet anyway. Jonathan: Kate Winslet, what are you on Earth are you talking about? Christine: He’s talking about Tess of the D’Urbervilles and he hasn’t read it, it was on telly two weeks ago with Holly Hunter as Tess, not Kate Winslet. Jonathan: Holly Hunter? Holly Hunter is the one that’s in that boring film about a piano on a beech, erm? Oh whatever it doesn’t matter, and anyway I asked you if you knew where Philistines comes from not what it means now. Christine comes back in and gives Jonathan a cup of tea and sits down next to him in place of Richard. Christine: Well it’s you knowing nerdy things like that that’s stopping you from getting a girlfriend. Jonathan: What if I told you I might already have one? Richard sits down in the single armchair eyeing Jonathan’s tea jealously. Richard: I’m going to talk to her today, definitely. If she says no then fair enough, at least I’ve tried. Jonathan: Whatever Richard. So we don’t know what he looks like, are you going to tell us his name? Christine: That’s the thing, I don’t know his name; he hasn’t told me. I think he might be a bit embarrassed. Christine leans closer to Jonathan so that Richard can’t hear her. Richard looks extremely suspicious. Christine takes hold of Jonathan’s wrist to look at his watch. Christine: I’ve invited someone round, should be able to kill two birds with one stone. In fact she should be here about now. There is a knock at the door, Jonathan gets up and leaves the room to answer the front door. He can be heard from the living-room, slightly muffled under the sound of the vehicle reversing now at the front of the house. Vehicle: Stand well back, vehicle reversing. Stand well back… Jonathan: Shirley! How the hell did you know where I live? Vehicle: …Vehicle reversing… Shirley: I didn’t. Jonathan enters the living-room with Shirley following. Richard glances casually round to see who is with Jonathan then jumps straight into the air out of his seat and backs up against the wall, shaking nervously. Richard: Yikes! I mean, hi there. Shirley: Oh hi there, I know you as well. You’re the guy that comes into the shop a lot. What’s going on here? You all live together? Jonathan leaves the room. Christine: Yes we all live together but don’t be frightened we’re not crazy or anything. My friend Richard here is a little shy so I’ll get straight to the point. He fancies you, he has for ages and he’s a nice guy so will you go out on a date with him? Shirley: Okay, why not? [music playing, ‘Clouds across the Moon’] Richard drifts off again to Rah band land where he is an intergalactic hero rescuing Shirley from the clutches of evil space tyrants. Richard: Cool! I mean, great that would be splendid. Shirley: Okay then, well you pick the venue and pop into the shop with the details. Okay Richard? Richard: Great! Absolutely, can’t wait. Christine: Wait there’s more, there’s me! Music stops. Christine: I simply must know the name of the guy that works in front of your shop, you see, I’m in love. Shirley: You mean the guy in the suit? How bizarre! Christine is a little angered. Christine: It’s not bizarre he’s lovely! Shirley: Well yes, I’m sure he is lovely. It’s just that well, look. Shirley nods over at Jonathan who is holding up a costume in front of him. Christine: You! You’re that cow from the delicatessen!